Older Single Rant

Originally Posted 2/14/2013

Ok…so I have a pet peeve…and Valentine’s is as good a time as any to vent it…  Allow me to preface this by saying that I am perfectly fine today…and frankly, don’t care that there is no guy in my picture.  I have yet to be dating on Valentine’s that the day was not pretty much a disaster…

So…on to my soapbox…  At 30 and unmarried, I have heard all the possible comments and forms of encouragement.  To be honest, most of them are waste of breath…and some are downright hurtful.  Allow me to share my perspective on what I hear the most often…  I have attempted to keep it light-hearted…  If any other older singles care to weight in, I would love to hear your thoughts…

What NOT to Say to an Older Single

1.       Don’t tell them God has the right man/woman for them.  Do you know how often I have been told that?  And how often I wanted to retort, “Then I wish God would quit hiding him in East Jahunga and let me meet him”? Besides, we hear it so much it no longer has impact…

2.       DO NOT tell them stories of your dear old spinster Aunt Bertha that just never found the right man because it wasn’t the will of God for her life.  Do I really need to say more?

3.       Don’t tell them how blessed they are to not be married to the wrong man/woman.  We aren’t looking for the wrong man/woman…

4.       Don’t ask them when they are going to get married.  This one actually cracks me up…my standard answer is, “I’m going to Wal-Mart right now to pick out a husband.  When we set a date I will let you know.”  SERIOUSLY?  When do they THINK I’m getting married??? 

5.       Don’t tell a single GIRL they are too picky.  We ladies from a traditional background don’t ask guys out or propose to them.  That can make finding the right guy a challenge…we not only have to spot him, we have to do something to get his attention and convince him to ask us out.  But of course, we can’t be “forward” so we have to be very careful at scheming out ways to accomplish this.  I am beginning to believe that my cousin’s wife had the right idea…she was trying to get past him in a row of seats and fell in his lap.  They have been happily married for several years now.  Yep…I think I like this idea…

6.       Don’t tell them all about this person you know that finally found the right person when they were older than dirt.  You are essentially suggesting they might have many more years to go. 

7.       If you got married before the age of 25 don’t tell them you understand.  You don’t…no matter what other relationship experiences and hurts you may have encountered, you still don’t understand.  The only exceptions I have found to this rule are those that are widowed/divorced at a relatively young age, and sometimes the mothers/sisters of older singles.  Side note:  for some reason, it is human nature, when we erroneously think we understand something…to squarely insert our foot in our mouth.  I’ve spent many hours crying tears well-meaning people never saw…because they were determined they “understood” and were unintentionally cruel.

So what CAN you say to an Older Single?

I know, I have taken away all of the standard comments people make…so what can you say?  There are several answers…

1.       My all-time favorite is a friend at work.  When I’m discouraged with being single I go see her.  She is great.  She tells me I am absolutely beautiful and I need to remember that any man would be LUCKY if I would consent to marry him.  Of course, she goes on at great length about my beauty and all the qualities that would make me a wonderful wife.  Yes, I’m aware that she is exaggerating my comeliness and wifely attributes…but the ego boost is nice and it always makes me laugh.  So if you need something to say, tell them what a great husband or wife they will make.  And for goodness sake, beef it up.  Don’t exactly lie to them, but make sure they walk away smiling.

2.       “I’m sorry - I know it's hard.”  I realize that doesn’t sound especially comforting, but sometimes flowery words of encouragement are overrated...and more often than not, if you aren't going to make me laugh about it, I would rather you acknowledge the hurt and move on.

3.       “I’m praying for you” is always appropriate.  I have a friend who has given God nothing short of a dozen "deadlines" by which she has asked Him to send me a husband. Each has come and gone...and she's still picking new dates for my weddings...we are still laughing about them...and I still know I have a friend taking me before the throne.

4.       If you are of the opposite gender, telling them how to attract someone is entertaining.  I am well aware that this is delicate, especially if you are married, so use good taste and judgment.  But I am always amused by the way guys think.  There is a young man from India who works for me that has taken a personal interest in making sure I find a spouse.  So he finds round about ways of telling me what guys find attractive.  It’s hilarious.  I came in wearing a particular outfit one day and as he turned to walk out of my office he mumbled, “Ummm, the jacket.  This is looking nice on you.  A little too nice actually.”  With that somewhat awkward, embarrassed statement he bolted from my office.  Another guy gave me a 20 minute lecture on self-confidence and its potential effects on my love life.  I’m not sure it did any good, but I got a good laugh out of it.