Originally Posted 8/2013
A pastor friend recently
asked me a question. We had been talking about the challenges to
being an “older” single and his query was this, “Elaine, how do I convince
young people that marriage isn’t the Promised Land? If you are
married, great! Make it a great marriage, make great memories. Enjoy
it. If you are single, enjoy doing the things that married people
can’t do, and make it a great life. Both have their pros and
cons. But it seems young people struggle to believe that. How
do I convince them that marriage isn’t necessarily the dream world they think
it’s going to be?” My answer was simply, “You don’t.” Why not? Because
most singles are not going to believe that marriage is not what they have
always dreamed it to be. You would have a better shot at convincing
them that it is possible to live a happy fulfilled life outside of marriage.
I’m 30. I
never had any intentions of being 30 and still single. I was
planning to be a housewife chasing kids and homeschooling by now. I
will readily admit that life’s deviation from what I had in mind has not been
an easy adjustment, but little by little I am learning that, “It is what I make
it.” In the process, I’m realizing that there are some key factors
to being content with where I am in life…and I thought I would share a few of
them.
1. Let the dream die. Dreaming of marriage and having kids
is something that happens naturally. Most girls start planning their
weddings as small girls playing Barbies and dress up. Those dreams
continue through adolescence…college…the early days of a career… By
the time a girl is in her early to mid-20s, the fact that her dream is not
coming true starts to become painful. As the years roll by, if Mr.
Right still doesn’t appear, the pain begins to increase, and soon, what started
as a fairytale dream of a little girl with stars in her eyes has become the
living nightmare of a young woman with tears in her eyes.
The most logical
solution is to simply quit dreaming of white dresses, flowers, and the first
kiss…but that can be really hard to do. Somehow letting those dreams
die feels like admitting to some sort of “failure” or being an “old
maid.” It also seems to guarantee that the dream will never come
true.
Obviously, not
spending your Friday nights bawling your eyes out while pouring over bridal
magazines has nothing to do with failure or being an old maid, and certainly
has no impact on if or when Mr. Right is going to materialize…so the challenge
becomes convincing your emotions to follow your logic. The sooner
you move on and get excited about living life as it stands, the easier the wait
for a spouse is going to be. Stop planning life in terms of “I will
do this until I get married,” and start building the kind of life you can be
happy living if you never marry. When Ms. True-Love shows up, having
a solid walk with God, an established role in the church, a good job, and a
nice house won’t in any way discourage her from liking you…I promise.
2. There is work to do in the Kingdom of God. I have found it is very hard to be
miserable when I’m watching the kids in my Sunday School class pray through,
spending my Friday nights discipling a new convert, or pouring endless hours
into a struggling young person. The point at which I find my niche
in the work of God and allow Him to use me as He desires is an enormous step
toward being truly happy with whatever road God has chosen for my life. As
a side note, not all ministry is going to make itself obvious. Thinking
outside the box can be very useful in looking for ways to be involved in the
work of God.
3. Fellowship and friendships. One of the challenges of being an
“older” single is that everyone my age is married with kids. Married
people can’t see the single side of the fence any more than I can see the
married side. You would not believe how often married people ask me,
“What are you up to?” and when I say “Cleaning the house,” they respond with,
“Why? It shouldn’t be dirty – you’re single.” I suppose
they think that for my 25th birthday I was automatically given
a cleaning genie that miraculously keeps my house spotless with no effort from
me…? But seriously, while I have many married friends and I love
them dearly, we are at very different points in life, and in many ways there is
a struggle to fully relate to one another. Consequently, there is a
special source of strength in having single friends who truly understand, who
don’t have a spouse and kids that need their attention in the evenings when I’m
lonely and want someone to talk to, and who inspire me by how they choose to
handle their life circumstances.
I feel compelled to add
some comments for singles in small churches. I have read advice
about making friends many times, and it only added to my frustration because I
was in a church with NOBODY my age. The general assumption is that
the 28-year-old single can just hang out with the teenagers. They
are all single…problem solved. Anyone who has been in that situation
will agree…it doesn’t work!!! I have found that long-distance
friendships with older singles comes the closest to filling the void, although
it’s not a perfect solution, and that still leaves the challenge of meeting
others to form friendships with. When I figure out how to solve that
challenge I will let you know. :O)
4. A profession that matters. I have found it makes a huge
difference in my attitude if I like my job. One of the struggles of
being single is the necessity of being a breadwinner and homemaker at the same
time. And it’s that much harder to be content when I need to clean
the house, I really want to make homemade bread, I desperately need to run to
the bank and post office…and I’m stuck sitting in an office doing something I
intensely dislike.
If I could encourage
young people to do anything, it would be to pursue a career you will enjoy and
can make a comfortable living at. Get a degree, learn a trade, go to grad
school…whatever you need to do to make it happen. Life doesn’t
always hand us what we expect; young ladies may not marry immediately, some
will be widowed, and young men will someday need to support a family – 40 hours
a week for 45 years is a long time to tolerate (or just plain dislike) a job.
5. It’s not your fault. I wish every young person could
have a mentor that believes they are perfect just the way they are…and who
would drive that point home regularly.
There is a tendency for
people to start asking, “Why aren’t you married yet?” when you are about
22. By the time you hit 25 and nobody “wants” you it starts to mess
with your mind, and the people who can’t seem to avoid asking about your single
status only compound the problem. I don’t have a solution to
this…other than to realize that not meeting your soul mate has nothing to do
with personal defects.
6. Control Your Attitude. I will admit this is easier said than done…to
put it mildly…and quite honestly, for many years I didn’t believe it was
humanly possible. But alas! I am slowly learning that
through herculean effort, emotions, moods, and attitudes can be
controlled.
I will eventually blog
more on this subject…because it has been a major learning curve for me, and one
that I haven’t come close to fully mastering. One of my biggest
frustrations is that people say emotions can be controlled, but they don’t tell
you how. So here are a few of the tactics I have used with some
level of success:
·
Set goals and start
working toward them. When a wave of emotion hits, rather than drowning
in a sea of tears, focus on the goals and what needs to be done to reach
them. Goals can range from weight loss, to cleaning out a closet, to
getting a graduate degree – the key is to pick a goal you can readily
accomplish or start working toward in some way.
·
Dream – and not about
your wedding. One day I made a list of every “toy” I want, what it
will cost, and the age by which I plan to buy it. My list includes a
hammock, a big trampoline, a sports car, horses, an in ground pool, and my
dream house among other things. It was a fun way to spend a couple
hours.
·
Simply refuse to think
about it. This is the hardest tactic, but sometimes it’s the only
option. Simply repeating, “I’m not thinking about this right now”
every time an unpleasant thought surfaces really does work. Usually
it starts with me repeating, “I’m not thinking about this right now,” every 45
seconds or so…but eventually I only have to say it every couple hours.
Overriding intense
emotions is not my idea of fun, but frankly, I can either override them and
salvage at least part of the joy in my day, or I can give in to them get
nothing more than a red nose and puffy eyes out of a wasted day.
7. His Presence. Finally, the biggest contentment factor I have found
is simply the presence of God. When I’m at the end of my rope, His
presence is my hiding place. When I want a man to wrap his arms
around me, hold me close, and tell me he loves me…when I want a husband so bad
it physically hurts…the presence of God is the only substitute that works as a
genuine replacement. Someone told me once that if I was going to cry
I needed to climb up in the lap of Jesus to do so. It was good
advice.
I suspect these principles
apply to a wide variety of things in life - learning to not only survive, but
truly enjoy life as a single adult is only one application.
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